FUCK

March Madness! Yes!

March Madness is sort of like the holiday season, instead you can only let yourself down instead of your friends and family. Everyone gets all excited about it, even people who don't really watch college hoops. I liken this to Jewish people getting excited about Christmas, because that seems like a politically correct and accurate thing for me to do. But nobody really cares, so whatever! Office pools! Brackets! Upsets! Fun stuff! And the women have one of their own! Why not! It's just the best.


Anyway, it's about 8 hours or so since The Madness began, and my Primary Bracket is already getting pretty destroyed. Not a surprise! This year's Official March Madness Bad Omen was when at about 12:10 pm, aka exactly 10 minutes before the tipoff of MARCH MADNESS, a couple of cable guys and for some reason a Northeastern Police Officer decided they need to install the "new cable" in our room. So, that was pretty cool. Following that, I settled in to watch BC club Pacific in its underrated face, and BC jumped out to a nice comfortable A Lot to A Little lead, and all was good in the world. So I decided, what the heck, why not fall asleep until 12 seconds after the game is supposed to end. Watching television is a lot of work, and even the most dedicated among us need a break occasionally. So then I woke up and it was tied! At the end of regulation! What the fuck! So I went with my gut and fell asleep again, until after the second overtime when everything was safe and BC had remembered that they were a lot better than Pacific and I still had all of my Elite Eight intact. Also I hadn't slept in like 22 hours leading up to the game, but this isn't a contest.

Fortunately this year's theme seems to be "Everyone hates their picks and is wrong about everything" so I think I'm still in decent shape compared to the rest of the country. I got like 40% of my picks wrong from the first flurry of games, but somehow I'm still doing better than like 65% of all the humans who signed up for the ESPN Friggin Bracket Challenge. So I guess that just means most people are complete idiots! Hope perserveres! Also, sorry Tennessee but now everyone outside of Tennessee hates you. Knocking off a 15 seed with a buzzer beater! What a bunch of jerks.


Ok, continual updates throughout the tourney as my 3 markedly different brackets all somehow fail to be even close to accurate. Brackurate? This is clearly going to end badly.

The Olympics! Yeah!....ok. Yeah great.

Listen, I hate to say it, but I'm pretty sure nobody gives a shit about the Olympics this time around. There are too many obscure sports involved, and all our guys keep losing and we're America so we don't stand for that shit, and to show our intense pride we just watch something else, like Seinfeld reruns.

Bode Miller, you were the only chance that NBC had at getting any ratings, and you're dumb. That's pretty cool that you're above "trying" and "winning" and things like that, and that you get your jollies by doing things your own way and going balls-out all the time and missing wickets or whatever the hell it is with skiing, but when you're the only interesting American in the Olympics everyone is going to want you to actually do well. Maybe you shouldn't have gone, because if you're really all about skiing for yourself and setting your own limits and junk, there are plenty of crazy mountains not in Turin you could be doing that on. I'll believe that you have the talent to be winning these races, but plenty of people have had the talent to do things and didn't, and no one cares about any of them. So now, you are no different. Sorry bud.

On the other hand, there is Sasha Cohen. I was pretty ambivalent towards Sasha Cohen up until today. She seemed like your typical small, uninteresting figure skater with a slightly weird face, but then today I was watching an interview with her, and it was great. She was asked if she wanted to be famous, and she was basically like "Yes I do, because being famous is awesome." YES. I'm sold, instantly. Now I'm rooting for her to win, so she can be famous, cause she Gets It. And what is It, exactly? IT is that it's incredibly, incredibly easy for a decent athlete to become way more famous than they would from their play alone just by showing the slightest trace of personality. These people get so much exposure, there is no way that anyone who has the right combination of being a good player and having some charisma shouldn't be able to finagle celebrity status from it. Look at like, Damon Jones. He's an ok player when he's actually making shots, but he buddied up to Shaq and now Lebron and he displayed some general goofiness, and now he's wayyy more widely recognized than he would be otherwise. There's a fun little trend of people hating on him these days, but that's just for people who think about these things too much and then start bandwagons by avoiding them. But look! Now he's endorsing some crazy shoes from China or something! Does he do that without displaying minor amounts of personality here and there? No way in hell. Class dismissed.



"Hi, the rest of my life is going to be incredibly easy because I'm not an idiot and I occasionally display some charm and charisma."

Shut Up, The Dunk Contest Was Awesome

Apparently there are a few chaps and chappettes out there who still think it is 1999 or so and are totally over the dunk contest, but for those of us who don't feel the need to act like we're better than everyone else, here is a fact we can agree on: the 2006 NBA Slam Dunk Contest was sweet.



Not like 10,000 pounds of candy corn sweet or even like Sony PSP sweet, but it was pretty intense and definitely fun to watch. That Iguodala dunk off the back of the backboard? Jesus. There's a picture of that floating around somewhere, and you see it, and you're like "nothing about that makes any sense, there is no possible way he dunked that." But he DID, you freaking jerk. It was UNREAL. And also it wasn't lame that Nate Robinson needed 600 tries to get that last dunk, because think about it: if you were walking past your neighborhood playground, and you saw a guy try to pull off that dunk and come as close as Nate Rob did on some of those early tries, wouldn't you stick around for 4-5 minutes until he got it? Would you really say, "this is humiliating, I can't believe he is doing this to the other playground attendees, what a sham"? No, you wouldn't. You would shut your dumb face up and stand there with your jaw hanging around your waist watching this dude try to pull off something ridiculous and awesome. So, I don't want to hear how the dunk contest is boring. It's not. And it doesn't need rules about maximum number of attempts or scoring system adjustments, because it's THE DUNK CONTEST, not the Olympics or something (which are in fact boring, just fyi). It's a bunch of ridiculous athletes doing awesome shit that you're not going to see anywhere else on the planet at any time, and it rocks and you're ugly and this paragraph is over.


Elsewhere in the NBA, Steve Francis to the Knicks? Are you kidding me? I just-...I-.....come on. What. That just...I just...I...I don't know. How did that actually happen? And how will the Knicks EVER lose another game with Jamal Crawford, Steve Francis, AND Stephon Marbury on the floor at once? Hi, we're the Knicks and we specialize in ill-advised flurries of crossover dribbles and a complete misunderstanding of what makes a good basketball player. We're pretty awesome, and our GM is a real smart guy who does smart things and is good at everything he does, like that time he broke the CBA and coached the Pacers out of a championship and got three of the most similar, team-destroying non-point guards the league has to offer. Awesome, awesome, awesome. That should be their new names, Awesome One, Awesome Two, and Awesome Three, because they are three kinds of awesome, and they are good. Jesus. If I were a Knicks fan, I'd now be a Nets fan. What a disaster.


Also, is anyone else surprised that Andrew Bogut is reasonably good? He had Useless Tall White Guy written all over him, but here he is racking up some assists and rebounds and shit and having a broken nose and all that fun, legit NBA-type stuff. Good for him. No reason I'm bringing this up, but way to be, Andrew Bogut. Keep doing whatever it is you do.

The Pistons: CAN THEY DO IT? And also some other NBA stuff

Don't look now, but the Pistons are only 31 consecutive victories away from breaking the 95-96 Bulls' mark for the best record in NBA history. Given that they have five guaranteed first-ballot Hall of Famers in their starting lineup, you can certainly put this expert down as one who thinks they'll pull it off. You can overlook the fact that starting small forward Tayshaun "Beef McBeeferson" Prince (not pictured) was stunningly left off this year's All-Star squad, because clearly any real basketball fan would rather have him over say, Paul Pierce or Chris Bosh. Clearly. Mainly because of his unbelievable muscle girth and overall non-scrawniness. Anyway, the Pistons will probably just be declared NBA champs around mid-March so everyone involved with the NBA can stop working and start focusing on their illegal March Madness gambling rings.


No, not really. There are also some other teams out there, and I hear some of them are ok. For instance, the Mavericks. I keep seeing all these headlines that are like "ARE THE MAVS FOR REAL?" and "SO THE MAVERICKS: MAYBE THEY'RE A PRETTY GOOD TEAM? I GUESS?" and I'm just like, are you stupid? They've won 13 out of 14 or some similarly impressive number. In fact, I like them in a series with the Pistons, because in the playoffs you generally need That Guy, and the Mavs have him in Large German Goof Dirk Nowitski. One could make the argument for Chaunce Billupson III of Glendaleshire Estates being That Guy for the Pistons, but I'm too bitter about the Celtics trading him to be the one to make said argument. Plus he's ugly, just like everyone else on the Pistons. You're ugly, the Detroit Pistons! You hear me!? One could also make the argument that this very Pistons team is the shining example of how you don't in fact need That Guy to win it all, but I'm just not in a very argumentative mood over here so let's continue.


Aside from the obvious three of the Pistons, Mavs, and Spurs, is there actually a team out there with any reasonable chance to win it? No, probably not. I would say MAYBE the Suns, but it seems too likely that Amare Stoudemire coming back is just going to screw everything up somehow. It doesn't actually make any sense, but that's the sort of thing that always happens even though there's no real reason for it. If he works himself back in seamlessly, then they could join those top 3 I suppose. After that there's the Heat, who are basically working the "yeah we're just not trying....wait till you see us try, then we'll be REALLY good" angle. That's a tough one cause it can be hard to just flip that switch and start dominating (see: Bode Miller). So four and a half good teams. And then......uhh.....and then, well.......there's.....the Kings? I don't know. Artest Crazy Fuel may take them into the playoffs, but I can't see them riding it past the first round. The Clippers could get past a round or two if they get some good matchups, but imagine them up against the Spurs or the Mavericks. Is there a single matchup they win against either one of those teams? Doubtful. So great, everyone make sure to watch a lot of NBA games for the rest of the year, cause they all matter. Awesome.

At least All-Star Weekend is fast approaching! That ought to be exciting. Every year I get all excited about it and convince whoever I'm with that Saturday night to put it on, and then they sort of feign excitement during the 3-point shootout and the dunk contest while I get all giddy and such. It's kind of stupid. Anyone care to watch it with me this weekend? I'm sure TBS will be showing Austin Powers 2 or something, we can watch that during the commercials if you want. Ok never mind then.

In My Face

Remember a couple of weeks ago, when I had my say about the ratings in the upcoming Super Bowl?

"Also I have decided this will be the lowest rated Super Bowl in 10 years, and that there will be a news article about it on Yahoo news, and I will read it and be happy that I can see the future."

That's what I said.

Well, everything went according to plan, except that it was apparently the MOST watched Super Bowl in, yes, exactly 10 years. And here's the prophecied Yahoo news article to back it up. They don't waste any time. The first sentence:

"An estimated 90.7 million people watched the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks Sunday, the largest Super Bowl audience since the Steelers last played in the title game in 1996."

Mmm thanks! That's what I meant by "lowest rated"......"highest rated." Actually.

At least I got the score right.

Obligatory Post-Super Bowl Blog

Well let me reveal an Earth-shattering fact: that was pretty weak. Although I guess that shouldn't have come as much of a surprise, given that it had all the characteristics of every other playoff game this year. Those being:

• Not a terribly intruiging matchup
  
• No big-name star having a particularly big night
  
• No spectacular numbers from either team
  
• A couple of ok but not very memorable plays
  
• Several blown calls that may or may not have changed the final outcome
  
• One team just sort of inevitably cruising towards victory
  
• Me not caring
  

Fortunately it was the Super Bowl, so there were lots of hilarious commercials to spice things up! Haha hooray! Oh wait actually no! No, there weren't. Because, there were maybe like three decent ones. I enjoyed Sprint's "crime deterrent" one, because people getting hit in the face with things hasn't and never will get old. Also I don't know if it was like this all around the country, but us folks here in New England were INUNDATED with crappy, low-budget local car dealership ads. My roommate and I were watching in stunned disbelief, completely positive that the rest of the country was being treated to hilarious Bud Light-related hijinks and maybe Jessica Simpson being hot, while we were stuck watching Susan McBusinesswoman wax poetic about Subarus. Bad times overall. The one real victory tonight was my continual, game-long intake of Funyuns, buffalo chicken strips and Dr. Pepper, which currently is causing a Code Black type situation inside of my body. Not that I know what that is yet. I will soon though! Excitement.


Games like this make me wonder if the NFL has peaked, and is now starting to coast back down into the dredges of average public interest, sort of like the NBA circa 1992 or maybe Vitamin C circa the autumn after that graduation song came out. Our collective national attention span seems to be too short for any one thing to be so popular for so long, you know? Just sayin'.

Also! If anyone was still unsure whether or not the Rolling Stones can put on a good show, you can stop wondering! Because, they can't I guess! You know when you say/write a word over and over and over, it just sort of loses meaning? For instance:

• Breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast breakfast.
  

I think that's what happened to poor old Mick on "Satisfaction." It's like, he doesn't say the words anymore, he just sort of drools out some vowel sounds that sort of match the original lyrics. I doubt he even notices. I can't imagine singing the same line every night for like 40+ years, that must be hellish. But then again, I can't imagine singing the same line every night for like 40+ years and getting paid for it every time, so maybe it's not so bad. Anyway, I think it's about time for the NFL to start scaling back the halftime thing, it doesn't seem that anyone actually enjoys it anymore.

Ok then we'll cya NFL! It's been real.

That Was Stupid

Ok if you're BC and you're down 3 with 14 seconds left, don't you shoot a three?

And if you're Shelden Williams and your team is up 3 with less than 10 seconds left, don't you not foul if someone takes it inside?

And if you're an ACC referee and your only responsibility at the game is to observe violations, blow your whistle when you think you see one, and then make frantic hand gestures to communicate your thoughts to the players and coaches involved, don't you call that obvious foul on Shelden?


The answer to all three of those questions is "not if you're stupid," which apparently all three aforementioned parties are. What a stupid ending to an otherwise entertaining game. Kudos to BC for digging out of that hole. I caught some of the game when they were down like 18 and couldn't get a shot off, then 10 minutes later when I got back home from the gym they were back within 6 and magically playing offense again. I was reasonably impressed.

As a side note, Shelden Williams isn't actually stupid. He shows a knack for making heady plays in crunch time, and I like any big man who hits free throws. It's like getting a burrito and then finding a gold doubloon in it. "What? Haha ok, I'll take it!" You know? His only real downsides are that his name is "Shelden" and that his face looks like an egg's face would, if eggs had faces. See:


Shelden/An Egg

Anyone? Great.